Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Internal Conflict

This is an update. I need to work out some things that are floating around in my head.

I've reached a lot of summits in the last few years. The climb was steep at times and there was a lot of waiting, but I've achieved a goal that was number two on my list. Number one is find the love of my life. Still hoping for that but I have The Wooly Crow Farm up and running, which was number two. I never had a name for this farm, or for the dream that I am living now, but it came when I found the place.

The dream was always to live closer to the land. To be in touch with it daily and to feel like a part of it. I remember as a child wanting to explore wild places on horseback, then later in my twenties wanting to be a shaman, a herbalist, and to walk silently through the forest barefoot, making no sound, as the native Americans did.

I tried a few times. I rented a farm in Ontario when my daughter was a baby. I lived in a mini multi-cultural mecca in a major city. I drove a motorcycle down the coast of California. I went to Mexico alone in my late twenties and did peyote. These were attempts to connect. Some succeeded, some did not.

It's hard to remember all the things I've wanted to do. I must be a certain kind of restless soul because it seems I have many interests, maybe too many. Which brings me to the reason for this update on a blog I haven't written on in a few years.

Among the things I want to focus on are this farm, it's sheep, chickens, guinea fowl, greenhouse and gardens; processing and spinning the wool from the sheep; reviving and sustaining The Crow's Fjord design business; and creating a regenerative recycling co-operative model for a worker owned business in my community.

Yes. You are right. That is a lot to do. In fact, each of the areas of focus is quite enough for one person to focus on per lifetime. Yet I am conflicted with all three. This is not to mention the other things that I have wanted, and still want to do such as finish the Tarot deck I started designing on this blog, open a Meadery, become a herbalist, write fiction, design Gothic stuffed animals and shoulder bags, sew myself a new wardrobe, swim in the ocean, spend time with friends and family, and travel the world.

Right now, today, this morning, I am very very tired. I feel sorrow. I can see that I am trying to do too much and I don't know how to resolve that I am only one person, not three. No I don't want to let go of anything. And therein lies the problem.

I am so happy that I have what I have, that I have done what I have done, and that I have dreams and goals for the future. It means my time is not over here. There is more to come. Yet, I don't want to feel conflicted and too tired. This makes me sad. I think I need to live more in the present and less in the future which means I likely have to give something up. WHAT!!!!?????

Ugh, just the thought gives me shivers. I DON'T WANT TO GIVE ANYTHING UP! But.... I guess I should get on with the task of imagining life in the present in a doable way and not treat myself like a machine that just goes on and on with a little refueling here and there. I think being compassionate to myself is also something that I need to focus on. Maybe I'll just take a break. Now. Right now. Waes Hael mates.

1 comment:

S. Camille said...

As of August 29, 2018 I have swam in the ocean. The part of the ocean I swam in was outside my back door about a hundred metres to the north. The water was glorious! It was salty! It wasn't as cold as I expected for the north Atlantic! LOL! Crossed off the list!