Warning: Below is a grimness you may want to avoid.
My grumpiness gets all tied up with the fact that politics is such a tangled mess. Although I want to write something intelligent and inspiring... the truth is I have no hope. The only things that make me truly angry are mayor Rob Ford and prime minister Stephen Harper. All else is meagre and possibly just simply annoying.
My darkness is this lack of hope and it is possibly the most negative thing I possess. It is exacerbated by the fact that I cannot find work that gives me a paycheck unless I sell my soul to the corporate devil. Well, that and change my hair colour. Running a small business with my own blood sweat and tears is positively out of the question because then I'd have to jump through so many hoops and obtain so many seemingly unnecessary permits that after it all I am left with nothing to expend on my product. Well that and I cannot compete with China and its populace of abused citizens working for 13 cents a day.
In answering my own question "What do I want?" I find myself in a mire of helplessness that drains me of enthusiasm. Yes, I wanted to live in a world that had human dignity. That 'want' was dashed by capitalism. I want to live meagerly, yet comfortably in the city where my family and friends live. Although I am managing to still do this, the possibility of continuing to do so is waning because I cannot find a way to earn a paycheck without selling my soul. We are all required to sell our souls. Those that do not are outcast. What kind of world is this we live in?
I "wanted" to help fix the problems our parents made in destroying this planet. Since we've learned that driving cars and burning fossil fuels is killing us all and everything around us, I sat up in my seat with hope that I could be a part of fixing it. That I could feel useful as the person I am with my soul and haircolour intact. But both the mayor of Toronto and the Prime Minister of Canada are taking us back into the problem and out of the solution by canceling all the green initiatives that were so difficult to get instituted to begin with.
Whatever, I'm a complainer and a lazy bum because I don't work. I'm a troublemaker because I ride a bicycle and don't drive a car and I'm a fucking anarchist because I 'want' the stupid economy to fall. How else can we fucking let go of what is killing us and build again? The politicians won't let it happen. The corporations won't let it happen. I seethe and I rage and then I fizzle out and lose hope because what can I do? Tell me I am wrong but I think we are fucked.
Meh... maybe it will pass. Being a true Aries I defer to Scarlet... "Tomorrow is another day."
May there be many tomorrows and may my quiet and helpless rage find a way to resolve itself.
4 comments:
No, you're not wrong, yes, we're completely and utterly fucked. I have sold my soul or actually hacking away at it bit by bit everyday by forcing myself to do sth i hate. Shrinks say, oh there's an inner conflict that makes u depreseed and have these panic attacks. Inner conflict? What could be more gruesome than giving your life to sth you hate? But as you said, i can't afford to quit, because it's a good, steady job and economy in greece is going to hell and there are no jobs etc. etc. so what do u do? You dance with the devil, and h takes ur soul...
take care!I'm sorry ur feeling low.May we get though this:)
Lou
Well put, CC. I completely understand your frustrations, agree with you, and have been where you're at right now. But things are never completely hopeless. Not when there are people who think like you and I and many others around us. If we throw our hands up and abandon any efforts to change, only then is it completely hopeless. You can't give up! Unfortunately, we do have to make sacrifices in the process to survive. That part sucks, but at least YOU have the control to choose which sacrifices to make and to what degree, and sometimes you'll end up finding an option in the middle that doesn't feel like such hell after all and won't make you feel like a complete sell-out. That's what I've found, anyway. You are going through this for a reason, and you will gain something from it and snap out of it eventually.
And this is very interesting that you're an Aries, because I have an Aries friend who has been going through a very similar phase since early December. He pretty much could've written this.
Ah... you're the sweetest KATN girl I know. Strong and sensible. Are you a Virgo?
Anyway, yes, Aries - Here today, Gone tomorrow. We are a passionate bunch with the punch to give it our everything all at once and drain ourselves into oblivion. Yet, by tomorrow, we usually bounce back to it.
Thank you so much for your kind words of support. It means a lot to me.
Darkest regards,
Camille
cookie... you're the only depressed person I like. Thank you.... and yes, may we both get through it.
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